Separation Anxiety
by talfe'anhar
Summary: Jim has to go off planet and leave Spock for three weeks. He remembers what he went through the last time they were apart and is terrified of going through it again. For entertainment purposes only. No copyright infringement is intended and no profit is being made.


Author's Note: This story is sequel of sorts to my last two stories. You'll notice that Rhiannon is mentioned. She is the love interest I'm creating for Jim, and is his wife in "Borrowed Time". There is another chapter to this story, which I will publish shortly. I hope you enjoy this one. I own nothing!

Jim gulped in a breath and tried to steady himself. _Calm down, don't have a panic attack... I have to find Spock, I have to talk to him now... fuck, this can't be happening..._ he flipped open his communicator and punched in the code for his soul mate. _Please answer, please answer..._

"Spock here."

"Spock! Where are you?"

"I am on the Enterprise. Where are you?"

"I'm at HQ. I need to talk to you. Can you get off the ship?"

"Of course. Is something wrong? You sound distressed."

"Yeah, something is very wrong. Can you meet me at the apartment?"

"Yes, but are you certain you would not prefer that I meet you at HQ?"

"No, I'd rather talk at home. Meet me there."

"I will be there as soon as possible."

"Thanks." He cut the link and tried to think. _Home, I have to get home..._ He boarded a shuttle that took him close to his building. From there he walked a few blocks to his apartment complex. He unlocked his door, went into the kitchen and found his bottle of bourbon. He poured a double shot and downed it. He wanted another but decided against it. Spock would be here soon. He walked into the living room and started pacing the floor, waiting for his soul mate to arrive. 

* * *

Spock heard the link being cut. He felt a stab of worry. This was an emotion with which he was quite familiar, especially in regard to Jim. What could be wrong? His soul mate didn't elaborate, but asked him to get off the ship and meet him as soon as possible. The Vulcan secured the work he was doing, shut down the computer and left the Enterprise. He realized that his mind was racing and, with an effort, he steadied himself and boarded a shuttle to the surface. He settled into a seat and reached out, trying to touch Jim's mind with his own. He found, much to his dismay, that he couldn't reach him. All he could sense was panic, only slightly dulled by alcohol. Whatever was happening to Jim had driven him to drink, but that was not unusual for Jim. The man liked his bourbon, and he used it to self-medicate when he was stressed or upset. But to be unable to reach him, to bump up against a wall of fear, had not happened before.

The shuttle landed in Alameda. Spock boarded another one that took him to San Francisco and then took a ground transport that would drop him very close to Jim's apartment. The trip was a short one, but in his present state of worry, it seemed quite long. Finally the bus arrived in the neighborhood and Spock walked quickly to Jim's building. In the turbo lift he tried again to sense Jim's mind. And again, all he felt was panic. The doors opened on Jim's floor and Spock sprinted the distance to his soul mate's door. He didn't push the door chime. He opened the door and walked in.

"Jim?" Spock moved through the kitchen and into the living room, and saw Jim turn to him. Jim closed the distance between them in a few long strides and flung himself into his soul mate's arms. Spock caught him and held him. He felt Jim's panic ease just a little.

"Jim, what is wrong?" Jim tried to answer but appeared to be unable to speak. He took Spock's hand and placed it on his face. A mind meld would give Spock the answer he needed, without Jim having to try to tell him in words.

_I have to go off planet, Spock... I have to go to Relva and take a class... I'll be gone for three weeks... I'll be away from you... I can't go through that again, Spock! I can't!_ Spock was shocked by the level of fear Jim was feeling. The man was terrified. Spock remembered when they were separated while he went to Kaleneb 3 to speak to Nyota. Jim had refused to go with him, and had refused to take medication which could have made the separation easier. It had been a traumatic, painful ordeal for both of them, but mostly for Jim. Being human, Jim didn't have the ability to meditate and control the effects of the separation. He had suffered terribly. It was not surprising that the thought of being apart again was causing him so much anxiety. But Spock knew something that his soul mate did not. He hurried to convey it to Jim, in an effort to relieve the Human's fear.

"Jim, it will not be as bad as it was when I went to see Nyota. We are fully integrated now. We were not when we separated last time. It will be uncomfortable, but nothing like what you went through before." Spock felt Jim break the meld. He opened his eyes and looked at the man. Jim's expression was a mixture of fear and hope. Spock pulled his soul mate close, held him and tried to convey a sense of calm, of peace. Of love. It... hurt to see Jim so upset.

"When they told me at HQ that I had to go off planet to take this course, I almost fainted, Spock. It was all I could do to control myself until I got out of the admiral's office and outside. It all came rushing back. When we were apart, it was the worst thing I've ever gone through. All I could think was that I can't go through that again."

"You will not, Jim. Believe me when I tell you that you will not suffer as you did then. Yes, it will be difficult, but not traumatic as it was before. You know that I cannot lie, and even if I could, I would not lie to you of all people."

"You're sure it won't be as bad?"

"I am absolutely certain. Please let go of your fear. It is unfounded, and it is detrimental to your health and well-being."

As Spock held his soul mate, he felt something release within Jim's consciousness. The terrible panic loosened it's hold on the man, and was replaced by a great sense of relief. Jim pulled in a deep breath and let it out, and Spock felt his tense body relax.

"Come with me." Spock put his arm around Jim's shoulders and led him to the bedroom. _A spooning is what he needs..._ Spock helped him get out of his uniform and into pajama pants and a t-shirt. He stripped off his blue shirt and black pants and donned clothing that matched Jim's.

"Lie down," Spock said. Jim did as he asked, and Spock lay down beside him. Jim knew to turn his back to his soul mate. Spock pulled the human snugly against him and began to run his hand over Jim's chest and belly, the love rub, as Jim called it. Spock knew that Jim would be comforted and soothed by his touch. He heard the man make a noise deep in his throat which almost sounded like a cat purring. He felt a sense of relief. Jim was settling down. 

* * *

As Jim lay spooned in the Vulcan's embrace, he began to relax. His racing heart slowed and he felt like he could breathe again. If Spock said it wouldn't be as bad, then it wouldn't be as bad. Jim knew Spock wouldn't, couldn't lie to him. He took a deep, cleansing breath and let it out slowly. He was in the one place where he felt safest: in the arms of his soul mate. He felt the warmth of Spock's body and his breath on his neck. He felt protected, supported. Loved. When they were together like this, it was as if they were one, two halves of one being. The only time they were closer was when they merged on the ethereal plane, but they didn't remember the merging when they were here in the physical realm. Jim nestled closer against Spock and felt the resonating hum of their joined souls. The love they shared was unlike any other. Love could be tenuous, fleeting, unrequited, even undeserved, but here, with Spock, there was no uncertainty. They loved each other completely, deeply, unconditionally. Their trust in each other was absolute. Jim was still afraid of being separated from his soul mate, but he knew now that he would get through it. He'd be okay.

_Third night on Relva._

Jim had settled into bed when he heard his tablet beep. He had the device next to him on the bed, knowing that Spock would be contacting him as he had every night since he'd arrived on Relva. He touched a key on the tablet and Spock's face came into view on the screen.

"Hey," he said with a small smile.

"Hey yourself," Spock replied. Jim's smile widened. Spock had taught himself to reply in those words, and Jim loved it.

"How are you feeling?"

"I'm okay," Jim replied.

"The term 'okay' can have many meanings, Jim. Please tell me how you are feeling."

"I'm uncomfortable. I feel sort of fidgety, and my skin feels too tight. Weird, huh? How 'bout you?"

"So far I am suffering no ill effects."

"Good. I'm glad you're not having any problems."

"Have you taken the medication the Doctor gave you?"

"Not yet." Jim saw the look Spock gave him and hurried to qualify his statement. "I promise I'll take some if I feel like I need it. Don't you trust me?"

"Yes, I trust you. But I also know that you will put yourself through unnecessary suffering if you are allowed to... get away with it."

"Spock, believe me, I'll take the stuff if I need it. I sure as hell don't want to go through what I did last time."

"Nor do I wish for you to go through it. Very well, I will not lecture you about it any further. How are your studies proceeding?"

They talked about the class Jim was taking, which Jim had to admit was very interesting and that he was learning quite a bit. Spock filled him in on how the refit was going on the Enterprise. Bones had asked about him and had requested that Spock convey a message.

"Oh yeah? What did he say?"

Spock shook his head slightly and then replied. "His exact words were, 'don't be an asshole. Take that damn medicine.' "

Jim laughed. He couldn't decide what was funnier; the words Bones had said or listening to Spock recite them.

"It is good to see you laughing," Spock said.

"It feels good to laugh. I'm really okay, Spock, and I promise, no idiotic heroics this time."

"Very well. Get some sleep, and I will contact you again tomorrow."

"Okay. Good night."

"Good night, Jim."

"Hey Spock?"

"Yes?"

"I love you."

"And I love you. Go to sleep, soul mate."

Jim smiled at Spock and reluctantly shut off his tablet. He didn't want to say good night. He would have stayed up and talked to Spock all night, but he had to sleep, or he'd be useless in class the next day.

_Three nights later..._

Six days had gone by, and Spock was beginning to feel the effects of being apart from Jim. He was having a much milder version of the effects he'd had the last time they'd been separated; trouble concentrating, feeling hot, muscle aches and slight nausea. He knew Jim had to be feeling much worse, but he hadn't been able to talk to him last night. There had been a problem with some of the new software on the Enterprise that had kept him on board long past when Jim would have gone to sleep. Spock was determined to speak to him tonight, and was waiting until he knew Jim's class was finished for the day and that the man would be back in his quarters settling in for the evening. He hadn't left his soul mate hanging; he'd sent him a text message to let him know he'd been held up on the ship and that he would call him the following night. Jim's reply would have made Spock laugh had he not been a Vulcan. It had prompted one of his almost smiles. The reply was short and simple: "OK. I 3 U." There was a time when Spock would have been bewildered by such a response, but after this much time with Jim he'd gotten used to it. The Vulcan checked the time. It was too early to call Jim; he'd have to wait a few more hours. He was saving his work and shutting down the computer for the night when something went terribly amiss. He couldn't identify what it was, but he knew it had to do with Jim. The computer was off. Spock rose quickly and headed for the turbolift. His tablet was in his quarters onboard. He took off at a run down the corridor, trying to push away the feeling that this was all too familiar. 

* * *

Jim's day had been rough. He'd started to feel the effects of being separated from Spock. Missing his nightly conversation with his soul mate had made it worse. He was having trouble concentrating. He had a headache, and he was slightly nauseous. He'd skipped lunch; he just hadn't felt like eating. Early in the afternoon he finally decided he felt bad enough to try one of the pills Bones had given him. He stood eyeing it suspiciously for almost a minute as it sat innocently in his hand. He was torn. He really didn't want to take it, but he was beginning to feel sick and he had promised Spock he'd take it if he needed it. He closed his eyes, giving himself a few more seconds to consider it, and then, before he could change his mind, he swallowed the small pill and chased it with the last few cold ounces of tea in a cup he had in his other hand. He couldn't drink coffee right now; just the smell of it turned his stomach. He'd opted for chamomile, thinking that it might calm him a bit. He couldn't tell if it had worked and he didn't really care at this point. He was glad he wasn't feeling any worse, and hoped the medication would make him feel better.

There were two more hours of class time left. He sat listening to the instructor, taking notes the old fashioned way, with a pencil and a notebook. An hour or so had gone by when he realized that something was wrong. He lost track of the instructor's narrative as he searched inside himself to figure out what was happening. It hit him suddenly, with a shock that made him feel dizzy. He rose abruptly and left the classroom. He made eye contact briefly with his teacher as he went out. It might have occurred to him to wonder what the man thought of his quick departure, but Jim had no thought to spare for something so trivial. He stumbled and leaned against the wall of the hallway. He thought his heart would stop. He couldn't feel Spock. Couldn't feel his connection to his soul mate. No matter how far away from each other they were, they were always aware of each other, a comforting presence, a feeling of completion. But now that feeling was gone. Spock. Was. Gone. A surge of panic flooded through him and his knees buckled. He sank to the floor, still leaning against the wall. _Where is he... is he dead? No, he can't be. Get a grip, Kirk. Think. You'd know if he was dead. But why can't I feel him? ...the medication? Is it blocking me from him?_ It was the only thing he could think of that could have caused this short-circuit between Spock and himself. He pulled in a ragged breath, and then another, and slowly got to his feet. Thankfully there was no one in the hallway to see his meltdown. He started walking, slowly at first, and eventually quickening to a normal pace. The rest of the day's lecture would have to be made up. He had to get back to his quarters and call Spock. 

* * *

Spock rushed into his quarters to the sound of his tablet beeping. He grabbed it and switched on the screen.

"Jim!" He let out a breath he hadn't realized he'd been holding. He saw his soul mate let out a breath and stare at him with frightened eyes. Spock was flooded with relief to see that Jim was alive, although in obvious distress.

"Spock! Oh, thank God!"

"Jim, what has happened? I know that something is wrong. What is it?"

"I thought you were dead," Jim said, and to his dismay, Spock watched his friend's eyes redden and tears well up.

"Why did you think I was dead?"

Jim reached out to the screen. "I can see you. I can hear your voice. But I can't feel you, Spock. It's like you're not there!"

At that moment Spock realized what had alerted him to Jim's distress. "I can still sense your presence, but it is dim, faint, as if behind a veil. Jim, did you take the medication?"

Jim nodded but did not speak. Now Spock knew the reason for this crisis. "Jim, the medication has shut down your psychic senses. It has blocked your connection to me."

In a turn that almost made Spock dizzy, Jim's distress turned to anger. "Blocked my connection to you? What the fuck, Spock? Nobody told me I was going to be cut off from you! I was starting to feel bad, having trouble concentrating, getting a little nauseous. I promised you I'd take the stuff if I needed it. But you didn't tell me it was going to cut me off from you. Do have any idea how fucking terrifying it was to realize I couldn't sense you? I was in the goddamn classroom when it happened! I thought you'd died or something!"

Spock was taken aback by Jim's reaction. The man had every right to be upset, but Jim was beside himself. Spock knew what it felt like to be as upset as Jim was, but to have his soul mate direct it at him was painful. It hurt him in his heart, the place where he felt unconditional love from this man. Was this his fault? Should he have made sure this wouldn't happen, or at least let Jim know that it might? That would have been prudent, but for the fact that Spock had no inkling that Jim would have such a reaction. He and Dr. McCoy had not tested the drug before they sent Jim to Relva with it. How could they have been so negligent? Spock swallowed hard as emotion threatened to bring him to tears. A Human male would have been more likely to become angry and defensive in return, but what Spock felt was guilt. _Again, I am the cause of his suffering..._

* * *

Jim stopped mid-tirade when he looked into Spock's eyes. The Vulcan looked as if he were about to cry. To his dismay, he couldn't feel Spock's emotion. Even at this distance, he should have been able to feel something. But there was nothing. He saw his soul mate's pain but he couldn't sense it. But Jim knew why he was upset. It was because he had just been yelling and screaming at him, as if to blame him for the present circumstances. _Kirk, you asshole, this is not his fault!_ This was worse than having side effects. He'd rather suffer like he did the last time they were apart than to be unable to feel Spock at all. He was desperate to be able to sense what Spock was feeling. But no matter what emotion Spock was experiencing, Jim had caused him to feel it.

"Spock, I'm so sorry, oh fuck, I'm such a piece of shit, yelling at you like this is your fault, please forgive me, I love you so much, I can't stand to feel separated from you, I'm so freaked out, oh god please tell me this is gonna wear off, I'd rather die than be cut off from you..."

"Jim. Stop. This _is_ my fault. Mine and Dr McCoy's. We should have tested the drug to assess any possible side effects. We failed to do so, and you are suffering as a result. I am so sorry."

"Spock... I can't even feel what you're feeling. Please tell me it's gonna wear off. Please!"

Jim watched Spock shake his head. "There is no reason to believe that this side effect will not wear off."

"That's not what I wanted to hear."

"I know. I am sorry. I believe that it will wear off, but I cannot say so with absolute certainty."

Jim felt the world tilt under him. What if it didn't wear off? No, he couldn't, he wouldn't believe that. The Universe would not be that cruel. No way.

"Stay in contact with me until it does?"

"I could no sooner leave you now than I could fly to you without a ship. I am with you."

* * *

Spock knew he had to keep Jim talking. His connection to his soul mate was weak, but he was aware of Jim's fear and distress.

"I spoke briefly with Rhiannon today."

"Yeah? How is she?"

"She misses you. I explained to her that you are off-planet. She wishes to speak with you when you return home."

"That's good to hear. Maybe there's hope for us yet."

"I believe there is. I believe you have a future with her if you do not... screw it up."

"I thought I'd already screwed it up. But maybe we can move past it. I'm in love with her, you know."

"Yes, I know. Do not give up on her."

"I won't. So did you get the software glitch fixed?"

"Yes. There was an error in a string of code that caused the bio-med sensors to go offline. Dr. McCoy and I spent several hours identifying and correcting the problem."

"What time did you get off the ship?"

"I did not. I stayed on board in my quarters."

"Why did it take so long to fix?"

"The error was in a sub routine that was buried quite deep within the software coding. Once initiated it acted almost like a virus, shutting down the systems in sequence. Everything is now functioning nominally."

"That's good."

The conversation stalled. Spock was watching Jim carefully, and monitoring his mental and emotional state as best he could through the veil that floated between them. He could sense that Jim was becoming anxious again.

"Jim. You may not be able to feel my presence, but I can feel yours. Please try to remain calm. I know it is difficult, but you must make an effort."

"I'm trying. It's like being blind. Or like I've lost one of my senses."

"You have. Being able to sense me, my soul, my essence, has become a part of who you are, as being able to sense you is now a part of who I am. The drug was designed to alleviate your physical symptoms. It was not intended to shut down your psychic center. Had I known that it would, I would never have let you take it."

"I know you didn't mean for this to happen. I'm sorry I went off on you the way I did. I was reacting out of fear. I'm scared, Spock. Dammit, I wish you were here. At least I could be in physical contact with you."

"I wish I were there as well. I would hold you until the symptoms wore off."

"If they wear off."

"Jim, please try not to dwell on the negative. Let us both believe that soon you will be back to normal. At least, what is normal for us." Spock was pleased to see Jim smile.

"Yeah, we're unique, that's for damn sure." Jim yawned.

"You are tired. Would you like to try to sleep?"

"No way. Not till I know I'm back to normal. I took the drug, what, five hours ago? It should be wearing off soon. I can't sleep until it does. I'm tired, yeah, but I'm way too freaked out to sleep."

"Very well. Were you able to eat anything today?"

I had breakfast. I didn't eat all of it, and that was the only food I've had today. That's the main reason I decided to try the medication. You and Bones were both on me about making sure I could eat."

"You will become sick if you do not eat. That is why the doctor and I were 'on you'."

"I know. And that's why I took the drug. But right about when I started to feel better was when I realized I couldn't sense you. I panicked. It was terrifying."

"I know how you were feeling. I felt it when you died. Even though we couldn't touch each other, I felt your life essence fade away."

"Holy shit, I didn't think of that. You do know what I'm going through. It sucks, doesn't it?"

"Indeed. But I got you back, and you will get me back."

They kept talking. Spock asked him about his class work, if he'd met any interesting people, did he like his instructor, anything he could think of to keep Jim talking, keep him distracted. He was starting to run out of things to talk about when he saw Jim's face change. A slight frown creased the man's brow. He looked as if he were listening to something, his gaze shifting away from Spock. Then his eyes widened and his mouth opened. Spock could feel what Jim felt. The side effect had worn off.

"Spock... it's over. I can feel you." Tears filled Jim's eyes. "It wore off. You're back!" He blinked and the tears rolled down his cheeks. "Oh God, what a relief..."

Spock's emotions threatened to overwhelm him. His soul mate was back in contact with him. The veil was gone. Jim closed his eyes and took a deep breath, and then smiled. Spock wanted to cry but instead he allowed himself an almost smile. Jim opened his eyes and saw it.

"Thanks for staying with me."

"I would have done nothing else."

"God, I love you."

"And I love you. Now you must rest. Get some sleep. I will contact you in the morning."

"Okay. Now that it's over I can't even keep my eyes open."

"Sleep, soul mate."

"Good night, Spock."

"Good night, Jim." 

* * *

Bones looked up and saw Spock walking into the med bay. The Vulcan looked distracted.

"What's up, Spock?"

"We made a serious error, Doctor."

"What're you talkin' about?"

"The drug we gave Jim had an unforeseen and undesired side effect."

"Uh-oh. What happened?"

"It shut down Jim's psychic center. He lost his link with me."

"Oh, shit. Did it wear off?"

"Yes, but he was traumatized, and now he is afraid to take the drug again."

"What if he cuts the dosage? Takes half a pill, or a quarter?"

"I suggested this to him but he is terrified that he will lose contact with me again and that it could be permanent this time. Doctor, this turn of events has me puzzled. Neither of us found any evidence to suggest the drug would have such an effect on him. Is it possible we missed something?"

"It's always possible, but you have to remember we're dealing with an unknown here. How many other Vulcan/Human soul mate pairs are there?"

"There are none. We are unique. Still, I feel a deep sense of guilt at the possibility of having overlooked something important. Jim was severely traumatized. I stayed in contact with him through our tablets for almost 6 hours last night, until the effects finally wore off. I spoke to him this morning, and despite my encouragement he is adamant that he will not take the drug again. My feeling of guilt is further exacerbated by the fact that his separation effects have been worse than I anticipated. He is experiencing lack of appetite. I am concerned that he will become ill."

"Spock, it's not logical for you to feel guilty about something when you have insufficient data to make an informed judgement. Shit, what did I just say? You're rubbing off on me."

"Doctor, if you are attempting to be humorous, this is hardly the time."

McCoy shook his head. "If he's not eating, that's a problem. I have an idea. Why don't you go visit him?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"I can send you to visit him. I can clear you to travel to Relva. You have something he needs. Can you have someone take over your duties for a few days?"

"I am certain I can find someone to continue my work. Are you certain you can clear me to go to him?"

"I'm positive. I can do the paper work right now. How soon can you cover your shifts?" 

* * *

Not only was Spock able to get someone to take over his work, he found a ride to Relva which would put him there that evening. John Mason, captain of the USS Intrepid, was more than willing to let Spock hitch a ride.

"We're going in that direction anyway. We can drop you off. Jim's a friend. If he needs you, you're there."

"Thank you, Captain. I am in your debt."

"I'll keep that in mind. I may need a favor from you at some point."

Spock beamed to the surface of Relva at around 2130 hours, 9:30PM. The Intrepid had put him on the campus near the student quarters. The university annex had been informed of his arrival, so he knew there would be no alarms sounded at his presence. He had Jim's room number and walked quickly to the building. Standing in the hallway, he turned on his tablet and called his soul mate. Jim's face appeared on the screen. He looked sleepy, his hair tousled.

"Hey." He frowned slightly. "Where are you?"

"I am standing outside your door."

"You're where?"

"Come to the door and let me in."

"You're standing... oh shit!" Jim's face disappeared as he tossed the tablet on the bed. A few seconds later the door opened to reveal Spock's beloved soul mate, eyes wide, mouth open. He grabbed Spock by the arm and pulled him into the room. The next thing the Vulcan knew, he was in Jim's arms, held tightly in his embrace.

"What are you doing here?"

"I am here to care for you. I could not let you suffer because of my mistakes."

"Wha... how did you get here?"

"John Mason offered me passage aboard the Intrepid."

"Oh man, we owe him big time." Jim let go of him and they went into the room. Spock sat in a chair near the bed. Jim sat on the bed.

"How did you arrange this?"

"It was the doctor's idea. He suggested I come to visit you. He prepared the paperwork this morning."

"How long can you stay?"

"As long as you need me. Jim..."

"Spock, don't apologize for any of this. It's uncharted territory, remember?"

"Doctor McCoy said much the same thing. But as you know, what happens to you happens to me as well. I could feel your distress, your panic. To know that I had a part in causing it, even inadvertently, was painful for me. Doctor McCoy is doing research to see if we missed something in our assessment of the drug's effects." Spock moved from the chair to the bed beside Jim. "Obviously we did, because neither of us foresaw any of what has happened. He was as concerned as I when I told him you were not eating. It was then that he suggested I pay you a visit."

"None of that matters right now. You're here. I'll be okay now. We'll figure it all out. Thanks for coming to my rescue."

"You would do the same for me."

"You know it. Are you hungry? You wanna go eat?"

"Perhaps later. Right now I would like to meld with you, do a bonding session."

"Oh God yes, let's do it." 


End file.
